Learn how to fight, because bulimia is a bully.
I know this is an uncomfortable topic for many, but it’s one that I’d like to help normalize talking about. It’s a silent battle that plagues more people than we know. I can openly say this because I’ve been around the fashion industry, have worked in advertising, and I myself dealt with an eating disorder for about 6yrs.
It can seemingly start “out of no where” but I believe there is a build up over time. As a child I was made fun of at school for my height and eventually dealt with the discomfort of having face and body acne. I came to learn that members of my family had opinions of how I should look as well- providing unsolicited comments about my hair and nails, reminding me that I should be more “lady like”. As years went on, I followed the typical pattern most teenagers do, I experimented with fashion and makeup. I thoroughly enjoyed the art of sporting a drastically different appearance on a daily basis, one that was based on how I felt that day. Just as I was at the height of my self confidence, I had a boyfriend ask why I didn’t have abs like my sister. He had seen us both in swim suits and made the unwise decision to pose that question to me. Let’s just say, he wasn’t my boyfriend after that. During my junior year of high school I began dating a college freshman (which was a BIG DEAL at the time! haha) and he was my first love. I truly adored this guy. He never made direct comments about my body, but I did notice him coaching me on what I should eat for breakfast (a granola bar was his suggestion!! that’s it!! a granola bar. did he want me to starve??) and complimenting me when I exercised. We would go to the gym together and he showed me how to use weights. This was the beginning of my downfall…. this led to my anorexia. I loved this boy and I wanted to please him, I wanted him to see me as beautiful, so I ate less and exercised more. My family caught onto my new habits and look- so much so that they even pulled him aside to ask for him to talk to me and help me! He never did.
When it came to having dinner out with friends, I would lie and say I ate with my family- only to go home and lie to my family saying I ate with my friends. I stored bottled protein shakes under my bed and a bag of dove chocolates in my nightstand. I would eat in secret. I thought carbs and calories were my enemy but I always allowed chocolate. I remember catching myself one day while I was sick, noticing that I was counting out the proper amount of oyster crackers I was “allowed” to consume, and how absurd that was. It didn’t help that my closest friend at the time was also measuring out her food portions and limiting food- she was preparing to go to NYC to pursue modeling for the summer. Limiting my foods to 800 calories (or less) per day was hard work, at times, it felt like a job. I would record everything I ate into a journal and count the calories. This went on for enough time that my parents threatened to put me in a treatment center if I didn’t start eating. By this point in time, I had just received my acceptance letter to college in New York City (a far cry from Arizona!). This was my DREAM location and I was willing to do whatever it took to get there… so I ate! Boy, did it feel GOOOOOD!! I stuffed my face with whatever I wanted. Burgers, yes. Cheesecake, absolutely. It was like I did a massive 180 shift- I stopped logging my foods, counting calories, and obsessing over what I consumed.
Little did I know, this was NOT a corrective measure at all, but rather, spiraled into bulimia. I believe that this drastic change (in such a short period of time) mixed with moving across the country and living on my own for the first time (not truly knowing how to care for myself) is what led my brain to continue this pleasure-seeking habit. I was attempting to embrace this new life with a mixture of feelings (both deeply sad- missing my family while also excited for meeting people and a new adventure). Not only did I get carried away eating whatever I wanted, but I also discovered alcohol and parties. I gained my weight back and then some! To the point where I had to buy new pants!! Not happy. I cried. Actually, I balled!! I felt gross, uncomfortable in my own skin, and worst of all- I felt like a failure. How did this happen??
Shortly after that I went back to monitoring my food a little more and keeping up with exercise, but didn’t give up the fun parties and yummy drinks! I didn’t want to relive my anorexic days (that was too hard and too much work) which is why I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I could eat ALL of the foods I wanted AND achieve my desired weight- simply by vomiting after my meal… and I did just that. Like anything else, it started small and snowballed out of control as time went on and I had new stressors added to my plate. College became harder, society’s expectations became well known that you needed to be a size 0 to be considered beautiful or model material, and on top of that I had a boyfriend who challenged my emotions in ways I didn’t know how to handle. He would compliment me one day and berate me the next. He had no problem telling me how to get abs (what’s up with guys and abs anyways?!!) or that my shirt made me look pregnant. He paid for me to get my nails done and a spray tan- making it clear how he preferred me to have tan skin and long nails. Even though my feelings were hurt, I continued to follow his suggestions because I loved him and I wanted him to feel the same about me. At the time, I thought he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever been with, so I told myself I had to make sure I kept up with my appearance to satisfy him! I didn’t feel I was deserving of a guy like him. Sadly, it was this mindset that nearly crushed me.
As you can probably predict, that relationship grew toxic. Looking back, it’s easy to see how we came from very different backgrounds and simply didn’t know how to communicate with one another appropriately. We were accustomed to different ways of handling conflict. But at the time, I had no idea. I was experiencing behavior and language that I had never seen before and I didn’t like it. My body went into stress mode, daily. When I say my bulimia got bad, I mean BAD. “Bad” as in, I was no longer just throwing up big meals or times of accidental overeating… I began throwing up snacks too! I remember one time eating a pack of goldfish and throwing up! The more out of control I felt, the more I punished my body.
The sad part was, I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. There was a point in time where I would binge and purge and immediately start sobbing. I felt so ashamed, so broken. I began to say things like, “I’m sorry” out loud, as I hovered over the toilet. I didn’t like what I was doing to my own body. It wasn’t until I had a life shift (moving away from my ex, and out of state) that I began to take myself more seriously. Once I recognized the power of prayer I knew this could be stopped. This acknowledgement came from the fact that I had prayed for God to move me out of state to take me out of that relationship (because I kept going back to him) and I wanted to move to California so I could be closer to my family. Within two weeks it happened. I knew it was God. Once I made it to California I decided I needed to thank God and live in a way that was honoring to Him. Interestingly enough, one day I fell to my kitchen floor sobbing, BEGGING God to release me from bulimia. I knew full well what it was and I couldn’t seem to fully stop. Although I was enrolled in therapy, I was too embarrassed to get help from a treatment center. It was in the midst of me crying out to God that He healed me. I didn’t notice it at the time, I didn’t feel anything supernatural or magical come over me. I just cried and wailed and pleaded- I didn’t care how loud I was or how long I laid in a ball on the floor. I was desperate.
It wasn’t until the following days that I started noticing a change in my thoughts. These changes prevented me from vomiting! It was an unusual feeling for me- to have the thought of releasing my food and then say “no, I’m not going to do that!” and simply avoid the bathroom! What a joy!! I felt so free!! I couldn’t believe it. A literal miracle!!
It’s been about 10yrs now and ever since that day, I have not intentionally purged. Yes, I have had instances from illness issues beyond my control- and things of that nature- but nothing self inflicted. God truly delivered me. I will say, this did come with hard work on my part as well. In order to keep this mindset, I had to learn how to work with it. I kept up with therapy (sometimes moving to weekly meetings) and enrolled in personal training at my gym. This helped me to learn how to use discipline in a healthy way and brought back my self confidence to regularly go to the gym. My trainer taught me about food choices and that helped me develop a pattern of meal prepping. I learned the importance of having healthy foods readily available and kept inspirational notes all around my apartment (especially in places like my refrigerator!). I went to church weekly and made friends through a small group. It felt good to have my body feel at peace. I wouldn’t say it was easy, but it was worth it, and I felt like I had a support system. Whether they knew it or not, it was a relief to know there were people cheering me on- wanting me to succeed! How sad that I was so accustomed to the opposite back in NYC.
As I sit here writing this, my heart breaks for my former self and for those who are currently amidst this battle. There is hope on the other side, I promise!!
Here are some of my key findings and things I’ve learned:
It’s mainly about how we process (or don’t process) emotion. Eating disorders can be a habit that’s formed due to feeling powerless or overwhelmed, and is an attempt to regain some sense of control.
They are learned, typically through the expectations of society or others whose opinion we greatly respect.
Bulimia is a form of self harm. Hurting yourself as a form of punishment (perhaps for not feeling good enough, worthy, etc.)
It can lead to other unwanted behaviors like lying, isolation, over exercising, or depression.
Eating disorders are often synonymous with obsessive or repetitive thoughts… knowing this is half of the battle. Once you can conquer your mind, your body will follow.
You’re not alone!! I can’t tell you HOW MANY women I’ve met randomly (where I’ve openly shared my story) and they have said “me too”. It’s a secret struggle that many deal with, both men and women. There is no need to be ashamed when it comes to asking for help or speaking about your own journey.
Disregard the media. I’ve worked in advertising and have seen models in person and after photo retouching. What a difference! Social media is no help either… I don’t appreciate the twisted poses, fake filters, and purchased body parts on display. If you’re in the midst of healing, I highly recommend taking a break from social media because your mind will lead you to believe that these are real expectations that should be attained. They are not.
Remember that your body is a gift and we are all made uniquely. How special is that?! There is a place here for everyone, so just be YOU!